if only that advice stretched to cover more situations..maybe it does. If irritating love affairs can be thought of as scissors. For instance, lovers who seem to find your kids more entrancing than they do you, and call you ‘my friend’ three times in a ten minute phone conversation. Actually I’m not your friend, you feel like saying, I”m a poisonous snake poised to bite you as the asp did Cleopatra, and probably for much the same reason, ie you irritate me. All my life I’ve had in the back of my mind somewhere that there is a man who will behave towards me much like the guys do in Mills and Boone,with maybe a tad less violence but the same forceful desire, ‘once I laid eyes on you there was no other woman..’ etc intensity. Now maybe the reason I’ve never met one is that you have to be gorgeous, but then there seem to be women around who are not that gorgeous by anyone’s standards but still score ‘the one’. So given how amazing I actually am, how come one hasn’t laid his eyes on me never to recover his sanity? Actually I nearly scored one of those but I didn’t really fancy him physically. Now I have a lover who would make pretty damn good M and B material, but he seems to be jumping into the good old family fun scene before I’ve even had a good taste of the candlelight and romantic murmurings phase. I don’t really get it, but I’m afraid to ask in case the answer causes embarrassment all round. He’s perhaps the first man I’ve ever met who isn’t very interested in having sex with me – I mean he’s interested, when the time is right, but he isn’t dragging me off to the bedroom or assaulting me on the sink or anything, which is what usually happens. Perhaps he isn’t a particularly sexually oriented person, which is a bugger. Anyway this isn’t the kind of thing I really wanted to say on a blog – I wanted to say more important things about human affairs and so on – but tonight it’s my affair which is occupying me rather than the general kind. At least it’s slightly better than writing about how I got pissed and passed out on drugs last night, just last the night before and last week and so on and so forth. My basic theory is this: men are klutzes. They are like me trying to plug a dvd to a tv to a video to an x-box – they have no idea what they’re doing, they just move the pretty coloured plugs around and hope they end up with a good picture. So to that extent you have to be patient with them and not dump them immediately as advised in He’s Just Not That Into You. He kind of is into you or he would be if he didn’t have his wires all tangled up. That book must have been responsible for the misery of a lot of poor useless witless male idiots. The thing is, they don’t know the rules. They don’t know that if they don’t bring you flowers they don’t love you, or that they need to keep ringing you at least as often as you ring them, otherwise you won’t, or that you need to be told quite often how beautiful and lovable you are, or that showing up late for dinner is a capital offence. There should be some rule book that says, this is how to love a woman so she knows it, this is how to behave so a woman will find you lovable. Instead, there’s all these internet dating tips for men which tell the poor things that women will like them better if they ignore them and act cool, and that women don’t like ‘nice’ men. I think women do like nice men. We maybe don’t like nice men who are hugely overweight, plain, have very small penises or are boring. But it’s not the niceness that puts us off. Anyway I want to write this rule, or let’s say ‘advice’ book – because having gone out with what feels like about two hundred men in the last three years (and no, they didn’t drop me after the first date), I have noticed a lot of behaviours which could take some improvement. Men who talk about their money and fleets of Rolls Royces. Men who tell off stories about their ex girlfriends’ hysterectomies. Men who tell you more than you want to know about their lives when they’re not with you – like all the time they spend playing with themselves, drinking and watching internet porn. Men who call their employees ‘minions’. Men who want a commitment to monogamous relations after the second date. And so on, and so on. Any additions welcome.