Finding internet love. Seems easy. Is not. At least at the advanced age of 42 though must be even worse at 50. You would think the older people get, the more they would put up with in a potential partner, short of looniness. This isn’t true of either me or all those hopeful guys out there. The average plus 40 year old man isn’t much to look at, especially if he’s a fair skinned Aussie who’s done the usual out in the sun thing. At least half the over-40’s are completely out of consideration, due to their extreme homeliness. Then there’s me, charms fading fast, big nose, red eyes, and you’re down to one percent.
So I’m interviewing that one percent, one by one. The first one is not goodlooking enough, but he’ll do as a dance partner. He has a funny thing about chatrooms. People who spend lots of time chatting to complete strangers are pathetic, ergo I can’t have him. The second one is terminally nervous, like a fighter pilot about to go out on a raid (he is a kind of pilot, as it happens). His eyebrows have a life of their own, like caterpillars. I can’t sit through dinner making conversation with someone like that. I want to say ‘chill, man’ but I’m about twenty years too old to say that, so have to make up an excuse to go. The third one is some kind of nerd I haven’t met yet, and the fourth one looks promising but will probably turn out to be either homely or not attracted to me. Oh yeah and the fifth is interested in memetics and other things which make the brain hurt, and will probably turn out to have a big nose, but you never know I guess. I don’t date men with big noses, I want to be the only one with the sticky-out beak.
Backup is the ex with the hairy chest. Our most lively conversations ever have been based around the idea of me leaving him for someone else, so when we haven’t got that to chat about, we have to either have sex or watch tv. Or discuss why I can’t become involved in his pyramid selling scheme. But then what do you need men for anyway? Sex (tick), making dinner (tick), cleaning the house (tick), minding the kids (tick), making the kids (no tick yet but we could give it a go), helping in the garden (possible tick), squiring to events and functions (kind of tick), attending entertainment venues (sort of tick), talking to (tick – you can talk to the dog even if he doesn’t understand you, a simple ‘mmm’ will do), intellectual stimulation (cross but he’s so sweet and easy to get along with..). Mmm.
Oh god I’m bored at work. I wish I’d thought of this ten years ago, when I could have been an escort. I mean an escort escort, who escorts people, not a sex-escort. I could escort them to dinners and theatres and opera and so on (tough job but someone has to do it) and listen wide eyed to anything they happened to say (which I’m good at). The only caveat is that it helps to be eyeworthy, and these days I’m only goodlooking from a distance…