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Monthly Archives: February 2007

my life is about to crash

but if it does, I know I’ll be alright. I still have my hermit idea, which I go back to every time a relationship doesn’t work out.  In this scenario I live in somewhere rural, read books and nobody sees me getting more and more hag like.

My momentary kind of too good to be true.  Though there are bad bits, not so much with him as with his past.  My past is much worse but I”m concentrating on his sins here, not mine.  In some ways I”m sleeping with superman.  This man is fantastic in bed (not just technically but there’s something about him that turns me into a man-eating beast), a gifted piano player, a brilliant actor (that is he’s appeared on stage and hasn’t been booed off), a writer who gets his stuff into the public arena and gets paid for it – and can turn a phrase – a scientist, a knower of almost everything I don’t know, a raconteur, a party-charmer, someone who isn’t scared to dive in the dark when there are sharks (in other words, an idiot) and is qualified to do so, a linguist who can speak three languages apparently fluently (though I wouldn’t know – maybe he’s faking), and…the list goes on and on.  Plus he has a great line in flattery and appreciation (which could express itself in monetary terms a bit more, but who’s counting), wants to spend all his spare time having sex with me, and likes my kids.

BUT he did leave his wife under a cloud (he had an affair with an evil temptress) and both the wife and the evil temptress are still hanging around. Which wouldn’t bother me so much if he didn’t appear to have a large capacity for guilt ‘I left my family – maybe I should go back?’  NO!!! and a huge sex drive (well I know she’s evil but we bumped into one another at the carpark and one thing led to another and…).  And if he has ONE fault, it’s that he’s patronising.  You can feel that he thinks some other people are inferior to him, and he’s already admitted that he’s often bored by people.  So, if by people, then, soon, by me?  After all I’m a pretty simple organism (and I have cellulite, and don’t know much except how to give a good blow job).

Which reminds me, I reckon people should have a silent indemnity clause which they can put in before everything they say and think, which goes like this ‘there but for the grace of God go I…this is just my opinion it aint fact..and I have too many motes in my own eye to point out my brothers’ sins’.  Silent because it would be a bit weird if you said it.

why i hate intellectuals

Was having conversation with boyfriend of moment (that’s what he gets called, just in case he drops me soon) about Philip Adams, and I said I hate him.  Boyfriend asked why (fair enough).  After trying to justify my hatred (really just disapproval, I don’t actually ‘hate’ him) for a while by reference to articles I haven’t read, I decided that like most Aussies I don’t like intellectuals.  Why this would be, as I kind of am one, I don’t know.  I think it might be jealousy.  Because he gets to air his views all over the place and is heard and discussed, whereas I – am not.  Just as well for me, because I’d have as much trouble justifying all my other views as I do this one.

Or it might be the idea of a ‘public’ intellectual.  As if everyone isn’t intellectual to some extent – we all THINK. Intellectuals are supposed to think harder and more and deeper.  Socrates made a living out of just thinking – and spouting – and look where he ended up (executed).  Still the latte classes are deeply necessary: otherwise no-one would annoy anyone by putting out loony opinions and then we would all live a boring and unchallenged existence.

Still I wish Philip Adams would shut up.

working for the government is crap

But then so is almost everything else.  Today the minister is blurting off to the media about a report (which she hasn’t read or been officially ‘told’ about, but has gleaned from a draft copy provided by her adviser) which was produced by a research body paid by my area. Everyone here is covered in shame (which they can’t express publicly) because she’s crapping on about all the wrong stuff, getting it completely ballsed up, and embarrassing herself in the process.  The research body should be especially red-faced, because it’s well known for being ‘rigorous’ (but then there’s the money).  But that’s research.  You produce some carefully researched paper, your boss looks at it and takes out half the conclusions because they don’t fit what the government is likely to want (or what might make the minister turn faintly pink), then you give it to the minister and he or she decides that it says what she wants it to say anyway.  If it doesn’t, no one is game to object.  There must be an attitude of life that allows people to deal with this and then walk away content with our system of government and bureaucracy.  Some kind of higher plane that we all need to be on.

Oh yeah, I remember what it is now. It’s the perspective from Pluto – you can’t even see Australia from there, let alone a bureaucrat or a newspaper.

is an ant conscious?

Well is it? How the hell would I know! I know I’M conscious.  Or do I? What IS conscious? Conscious of what? Does it matter, anyway.  What if you weren’t conscious – you being any other human being, say my boyfriend of the moment, just for example – but you acted just as if you were.  Would there be any difference between that and actually BEING conscious?  Anyway, how WOULD you act if you were conscious, and how would it be different to how you’d act if you weren’t? 

Presumably, if you were conscious, you’d act as if there was a ‘you’ and you knew about it.  You’d act protective of it.  You’d be resentful if someone tried to kill you, for instance, because you’d want to be alive, yourself.  You’d take steps to protect your own life.  As for recognising yourself in a mirror, I don’t see that proves anything. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror – there’s no way I look as bad as that!  Babies don’t recognise themselves in mirrors but aren’t they conscious?  People say babies don’t separate themselves from their mothers – ie they don’t know there’s a difference – till they’re a certain age, and before that they don’t mind if they’re handed over to people they don’t know.  Bullshit.  They do know there’s a difference, they just can’t express it.  How would I know? I dunno, I just do.

Being conscious means…what. Conscious that you are an entity separate from other entities – say other ants? Dogs know that. Otherwise why bark at yourself.  Conscious that you have a future? A cockroach that runs away when you turn the light on knows that, otherwise why not just wait till your foot comes down.  Conscious that you have a past? Even ants probably remember stuff.  We humans are incredibly up ourselves.

what is it with global warming?

Just been reading Michael Crichton on global warming.  ‘State of Fear’ says its not happening, that the environmentalists and scientists have made it all up to get more money for research, etc.  In support of this, he produces lots of graphs and facts and citations.  What I can’t see is, why isn’t there a right and a wrong here.  Either sea levels are rising, or they’re not.  Surely science would have to be united on that one, despite MC.  Either it’s getting warmer, or it’s not.  You can argue about models of what might happen in the future, but you’d think what’s documented in the last 100 years or so ought to be pretty straightforward.  So is MC just putting out disinformation so we’ll doubt global warming and keep on fossil-fuelling, as part of an evil conspiracy, or is he genuinely mistaken, or ISN’T he mistaken and are we all idiots for believing in something that isn’t true?

Having found a very nice and sexy man, I can’t believe it’ll last.  How could it, given my record.  There will have to turn out to be something wrong with him.  He is just too good for boring old me.  If he’s still there in a year from now I’ll give myself a gold star.

Pleased to note that on Valentines Day I got four valentines (but no roses, tellingly), three from ex’s and one from current.  Current has been duly informed that I LIKE flowers: if he doesn’t give me any, that could be a good reason for me to doubt the perfect-ness of the relationship.  Just looking for a good reason, you see.  However between ‘doubting’ and doing anything about it, there will be a long gap.