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Monthly Archives: October 2007

just shutup for a minute will you!!!

Said by so many boyfriends to so many girlfriends..Anyway now it’s me who just wants to cuddle quietly and maybe get it on, and him who has verbal diarroeah.  I mean, it’s really NICE diarroeah, if you can say that – like, you’re so cute, you’re so lovely, I can’t believe I’m so lucky as to have someone like you, you’ve got such beautiful breasts, you’ve got such a nice hairy etc..  So I say thanks, and look askance, because well, in some lights I look truly like shit (for instance in the lifts at work) – I look like what I am, which is a 44 year old with lines and a slight skin rash, a few spots, bushy eyebrows, receding pink eyes, a big nose and rotten taste in clothes.  So is he taking the piss?  If he is, he’s doing a very good job of it – very consistent, totally insistent.  Does he go home and have a laugh – Jesus, I can get HER to believe anything, but she’s a good root.  Or maybe is it just my beautiful personality, which makes him think he should butter me up so I shine the light of my love on him, while he secretly wishes he had someone pretty.  Then again, last night he went out with some acting friends, and some young woman fluttered eyelashes and cleavage at him.  He thought it was all pretty eye-worthy, and was telling me what a nice arse she had, and asking me what he should do if he was attracted to other women.  Feel them up, I said, or proposition them if you like.  He said he wouldn’t, because he had me.  So why the f was he telling me? Just to let me know what hot property he is?  Some men don’t know when to shut up.  The more expansive he gets, the more strong and silent I get.  We should do a reversal some time just for the thrill of it.  Amid all that talk, I had trouble feeling ‘in love’. 

Anyway today I went to see how much it would cost to get Botox.  Not that much, but once you do one thing, everything else looks crappy, so then you have to do something about the thing next door, and so on and so forth, until before you know it you’re an elixir of youth junkie unable to cope with the normal ageing process.  To botox or not to botox???

oh shit lucky suicide is hard

Every now and again I do something that covers me in shame and makes me wonder if actually it’d be better to be dead.  Only luckily for me, just wishing I wasn’t here is significantly different from doing anything about it.  And at those times life just seems too awful, and I just seem too awful…

The thing was, we rented a pony for my daughter, and it was a right pain in the arse of a pony – it bucked her off when she got on it, it refused to be led, ridden or driven, and it occasionally showed a tendency to kick – though it never actually bit, which is something.  Otherwise it was a lovely little beast, quite good natured actually.  So we tried and tried to train it into better ways, but failed – mainly because I know fuck all about horses no doubt.  Meanwhile everyone kept saying it was getting too fat, and to exercise it, or lock it up overnight – one or the other.  We tried to exercise it and it said no, so we locked it up.  Anyway, one fateful day, I went to unlock it, and on the way back my car broke down. So I had to get a new car, and so on and so forth (I had various minor illnesses as well), I couldn’t be bothered getting up at the crack of dawn to drag the pony off to its yard (I was kind of hoping the owner would take it away, as we’d told her we couldn’t handle it and she’d said she would) and a week and a half went by, and suddenly I get a message from the owner – you cruel, awful person, I warned you what would happen, and now that pony has bloat!  She took the pony away to her house and tended to it – I apologised (a lot) for neglecting it, and felt like the worst shit in the world.  I can’t decide whether it’s actually worse to feel like a shit, or to know somebody else thinks you’re a shit.  I think probably the latter.  I remember feeling like a shit when I dumped various lovers – but then only they knew how mean I’d been, so I didn’t have to feel too bad, for too long.  This feels worse.  I had a boyfriend once who absolutely hated to be shamed – he’d participate in all sorts of vices, as long as no one suspected, but if someone did, he’d just about die of embarrassment.  Are we all like that?  Guess so.