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Monthly Archives: January 2008 what

I don’t think I’ll call him Man of the Moment any more.  I have to call him something more permanent, now he’s been around for a year and we’ve survived about three major episodes (all created by me, in a hissy fit).  Perhaps he should be called Almost-the-One.
Went to Melbourne for about four or five days, taking the long route down through Lakes Entrance. Lots of b&bs, four poster beds, coffee here and coffee there, sights – even an old boyfriend, who agreed that ATO was just as good as what I’d said he was.  AT the end of all this, arrive home (at his place) exhausted, and am just having a cup of tea, when he announces ‘You know how you said you don’t trust me. Well, you were right not to.”  Uh huh.  So I naturally think, well, five days with me and he’s decided that he’s less committed than ever.  I was a bit pissed off, but he explains that actually, he’s just trying to tell me that he feels bad because he ‘can’t love me as I ought to be loved’ – or something like that.  Ok.  So you’re trying to tell me that you’d like to be more in love with me, but can’t manage it.  Just what a woman likes to hear.  No no, says ATO, I am in love with you, I just think, if it wasn’t for all this stuff (emotional thngs around his divorce, separation from children, etc), I could love you more.  More intensely.  Be a more fun person.  More committed to you.  And so on.  Anyway, I think I get it.  The adoration which he expresses for me now, is not all he’s got.  There’s more in there, and hopefully I’ll be able to get my hands on it when the rest of his life shapes up a bit.  Plus he won’t be such a drag.  I tell him that, if he hadn’t told me that he could love me EVEN MORE, I wouldn’t have realised it.  I would  have plodded along happily thinking I was getting all the love I need and he could give.  But now…
I’m making fun of him – of us – but of course that’s not how I feel.  I feel love, confusion, sadness, pity, passion – those kinds of things.  Only it does have its funny side.
Makes you think, though, how we have our scripts.  Mine goes something like, I’m so nice and sweet to him, he’s bound to get bored and think he could do better.  That’s what happens in books.  Guys always pick the difficult to please but beautiful woman over the middling-attractive but placid and content one who’s damn easy to get.  So when he says something that sounds like “I can’t love you enough’, that fits right in. Of course he can’t, because I’m no challenge.  But his script is completely different.  Somehow it seems to go something like ‘I”m not very likeable really, especially considering my rotten luck lately.  So I”m lucky she likes me at all.   She’s probably getting sick of all this whingeing and whining I do.  Better tell her there’s light at the end of the tunnel, if she can just hang on.  I can do better than this.”  At least, so I interpret it.  We’re both blind really.