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Monthly Archives: August 2008

My inner bitch vents again..just for me.

This blog could be the beginning of a book on Commitment. Or maybe I’ll look back at it one day when this relationship is down the tube and think, god, I could’ve seen THAT coming!
Last night went to a party with the ATO (Almost the One) and had a pretty good time (though actually I forgot to notice that no one asked me anything about myself). Anyway ATO did not fail to notice this, and was very vehement as soon as we got back in the car about how they were all inner north trendoids and were totally obsessed with themselves and their little group. And rode bikes all over the place! and sang together! Pretty bad. It reminded me of my ex, except that his objections to people were never so well argued.
The next morning the ATO was saying how good the sex had just been – in fact so good, he said, that he was now confident he could go out and have sex with lots of other women and none of them would be as good in bed as me. Had all sorts of bitchy remarks queuing up to get out – like, oh yeah, like they’re all going to be howling for a 52 year old man with depression and a willy with delusions of grandeur..and, well, where do you get off! (the poor guy was only joking I guess but this particular area is a sore spot with us).
This desire to put it about really gets my goat. HE has no sexual jealousy, so he says, but I don’t really want to be one of a number of fuck buddies. He thinks that’s oppression of males by females who want to impose their own lack of desire to fuck randoms on the poor guys they hook up with. I think it’s a pathetic desire to validate yourself up every spare fanny. Do I say that? No. I kind of get it off my chest by saying that I vent my inner bitch on my blog, which he will never locate (but which he can see, as a reward, when he’s seventy-five). Or as a punishment, if he ever leaves me.
I often wonder whether the ATO’s problem (or OUR problem) is that he’s not really in love with me (although he often says he is, without prompting) and so he instinctively avoids signs of commitment like faithfulness, wanting to shack up, introducing me to his mother and so on. While providing very genuine-sounding reasons for all of this (I mean, what kind of idiot believes reasons in this situation, but..) like ‘all men need variety’ and ‘I’d love to live with you but I don’t know if I could be a parent-figure again’ and ‘if I tell her about you she’ll tell my sisters and they’ll tell my ex-wife and everyone will think I’m about to get married again’.
You always think the reasons given by other people’s shonky (uncommitted) men are the crap they are, but when your own shonky man trots them out, you swallow them. Why is that? Sometimes I consider going and then I think, but why, he’s so sweet to me, and he’d be so upset! One day he’ll probably find another lover and then I’ll want to upset him good and proper and I won’t be able to any more!