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Divorced and Desperate

Dear Rose

I am recently divorced from a husband who suffered from extremely low sex drive.  As a result, I am VERY eager to begin a new life, but too shy to frequent bars and clubs.  How do I get the ball rolling?

Dear Eager

Although many modern women will dive right into the dating scene via the internet, I divine that you are an old fashioned ‘lady’ and that a more gentle, mannerly approach may be in order.  I suggest that you put an advertisement in your local paper, setting out your requirements, and I am sure that a number of suitable offers will flow in directly.

I myself was in just your situation some years ago, and here is the advertisement I submitted:

Wild, sweet, different f seeks rock god ono for fun.

I received a number of enquiries, although some (for instance, a young man from the country seeking ‘a good woman, with curves’) were clearly inappropriate.  However, my advice is to interview even the unlikely candidates, as this will give you a chance to enhance your ability to make conversation with dull and stupid men – an important ‘dating’ skill.

Take self-posted descriptions with the proverbial grain of salt.  For instance, one of the gentlemen I met described himself as ‘VERY attractive –  tanned, tattooed, and blond.”  This turned out to mean bald with a sandy moustache, sun-damaged and pot-bellied.  During our little chat it also turned out that he used to beat his ex-girlfriend (‘she deserved it’) and that he was an official of the Wicca movement.

Don’t make hasty decisions in low light.  After you’ve met six or seven ‘hopeless cases’ you may well be feeling dispirited and that dating is not for you.  This is the most dangerous time to make decisions, as you are now officially ‘desperate’.

A case in point.  My seventh – or was it the eighth – date was standing on a street corner in a bow tie when I met him.  He was NOT short and fat, and we met under a streetlight in the early evening.  He was lively, though not intellectual, but – bear in mind that even the most unpromising male is good for target practice.   Thus, I dyed my hair and wore my low-slung hipster jeans with the big belt, a low-cut black tee-shirt, and all the charm I could muster.  We went to a nightclub and Mr Positive seemed fascinated with the hair, and all went well until he said it was time for bed.  Would I like to come too?

Ladies, I did not.  BUT, based on my assessment of HIS charms under soft lighting, and his assessment of MY charms under the same, three dates later, we did.  Big mistake.  Flat full of cigarette butts, left-over dinner that looked suspiciously like dog food, hair-raising tales of orgies past (more of that later), and what’s more he fell in love.  And if there is anything more painful than having an unrequited love for somebody, it is somebody having an unrequited love for YOU – for the soft-hearted, the first hurts much less than the second.

So my advice to you, Ms Eager, is that there are WORSE things than being desperate.

About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

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