I have heard that corny pickup lines such as ‘what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this without her boyfriend?’ don’t work on real women? Is that true?
Like so many things, Corny, it depends. If you approach an attractive, sophisticated woman of the world with this intro, she will probably choke on her drink, or tell you to get lost. On the other hand, if you trot out this line to a recently divorced woman who thinks she’s approaching her use-by date, you may well be exchanging heavy pillow talk before you can say ‘Wait, I forgot my coat!’
For example, some time ago, I found myself sitting in a low dive, contemplating a mineral water, when an African-American gentleman sidled up to me and used this very line. Did I snort? Did I tell him to go get a life?
No! Instead, I was flattered, as I hadn’t thought of myself as a girl for quite some time, much less pretty. I was also suddenly reminded of the great joy of being boyfriend-less, and I thought to myself, well, this seems like the perfect time for a little post-break-up risk taking. The moral of this story is, choose your prey wisely, and then have a go – you may get lucky.
But were there cross-cultural issues, you ask shyly? Me being pinkish, and him being brownish. Well, yes. Nothing to do with colour though. He was probably the most stunningly masculine man I have ever met. Racial issues only matter if one of you is not very good looking.
However, you probably should establish, before you take your conquest home, whether you share the same general rules of engagement – in particular, the kind of talk you are willing up with which to put, and the exact definition of ‘nymphomaniac’.
To wit, we got home to my place at about midnight, and after some brief preliminaries (mainly consisting of me being pinned against the hall mirror), he ripped my clothes off and we started having sex. He remarked casually at this point that he very much wanted to fuck my arse off.
After several vigorous encounters and some amusing anecdotes about life as a drug kingpin, I indicated, by turning my back and shutting my eyes, that I’d had enough. He hadn’t. The thing to remember here is, face your enemy, as you will find you are much more vulnerable from behind.
At four in the morning, I said that I had now REALLY had enough for one night, and that I was tired and bow-legged and wanted to go to sleep. HE said he didn’t care how tired I was, and that if necessary, he would ‘dry fuck’ me. He also added that he wanted to ‘fuck my brains out.’ You may find, Corny, that some gently-brought up women will not have heard these terms before, so if you are going to use them, you may want to be prepared with a pocket dictionary, for ease of reference.
At five, I was just about to pass into a coma, when he said he needed a lift home because his car belonged to his friend who used it as a taxi and whose shift began at 6am. At this point, I dragged myself out of bed, took him home, and heaved a sigh of relief.
You are probably wondering, Corny, at what stage of a one night stand should the complete gentleman say ‘I love you’? Well, of course you can say it at any point, if you mean it – but I have to warn you that saying it after you have known the woman for ten minutes can be regarded with suspicion.
On the other hand, any compliment, no matter how unlikely, can be put in the box labelled ‘Nice Things Some Man Once Said To Me’ and so therefore my advice is to lay it on thick unless she actually tips a glass over you. For instance, the man I have been discussing told me after the requisite ten minutes’ hand holding outside the pub that he was in love and had been waiting all his life for me, and, well, if you knew me, you too would realise that in some circumstances passion like this is completely understandable.