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Let’s hear it for the Other Woman!!

A couple of my favourite bloggers, Kourtney Heintz’s Journal, and 21st Century Love Triangle, have posted recently on a subject that’s kind of dear to my heart.

By way of intro, it used to be hard for me to even THINK about this subject without going red in the face and thinking about things like out-of-control giant car-crushers and putrid herpes.  The subject in question is….the Other Woman!!  Da DA!!

Jesse James and Kat Von D, who took over where Sandra Bullock left off. Aren't they a sweet couple?

Someone I like to call the Demon Ex could have practically filled a chorus line with Other Women. Some knew they were the Other Woman, but were happy to play second fiddle. Others thought they were coming in at the tail end of a dying concern. Others again thought they could probably outbargain the number One in an open market.  What started with an indulgent shrug ended with long nights spent broodingly dreaming of mowing the lot of them – AND the Demon Ex – down with a sub machine gun.

Still as Kourtney quite rightly says, why blame the Mistress? SHE didn’t do you wrong.  And why forgive the perpetrator, when HE’s the one who’s a great big squashed dog turd you’ve accidentally walked all over the house.

Well, for one thing, you LOVE the perpetrator. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t give a stuff where he put his doodle.  In fact, when you think about it, it’s completely irrational that you care where he puts it in the first place. As the Demon Ex used to point out with nauseating regularity, why should anyone want to OWN his donger? (And indeed, why should they? It’s not like it was in good working order.)  You don’t, on the other hand, LOVE the mistress, to say the least. So you’re not going to want to make excuses for her.

It’s still true that SHE didn’t owe you nuffin.  After all, she isn’t the one who made promises. She isn’t the one who lied. And she usually has a pretty hard time on her own account, being ‘fitted in’ around time with the Number One Love Interest.

On the other hand, as 21st Century points out, women have a responsibility to do the decent thing by other women.  The Other Woman may not be the prime mover, but she helps dig the hole.  She contributes at the least to a deception, and at worst, to the destruction of someone’s heart and soul.  How should she feel if her lover’s partner finds out and suicides? That’s the way the cookie crumbles?  How about if his marriage breaks up and as a result he loses access to his kids?  Not her fault? I guess not, but it’s not a comfortable moral position to be in, either.  Besides, it’s not like single guys aren’t a dime a dozen, that you have to sucker onto the attached ones.

Ok, nobody likes to feel they’ve done something ‘wrong’ and most people will go to great lengths to justify whatever it is they’ve done, shrink it and massage it and discuss it and disguise it, until it kind of looks ‘right’.  All the same, when we do something a bit crappy, the best thing really is to admit it and resolve not to do it again.  Feeling ashamed and guilty is sometimes a signal to be heard and acted on, not something to be avoided. Thus we grow.

Luckily for gun totin’, crusher-driving ex-girlfriends everywhere, revenge is usually unnecessary, as inheriting the unwholesome attentions of the Demon Ex is punishment enough (on mature reflection).

About butimbeautiful

Rose has two blogs,, and Enjoy!

14 responses »

  1. Rose, I have been the other man on several occasions, either my partner at the time was sleeping around, or I was inadvertently the other person. I think honesty is a great basis for things. Not tell both parties that you are the only one that really counts. I think too much is made of sex versus commitment, and I personally have fallen into the trap of believing the cheater’s stories and believing I was the only true love or the one that was ‘special’. So I’m with you, walk away and let the next in the queue deal with the shit, move on baby.

    (Talks tough but has a heart of pure jelly)

    • Captain Savage! How goes it in the land of milk and honey? Yeah, anyway you’re right, obviously. It’s just that despite the logic it’s only human to hate the Other Person (as well as one’s stupid ex). I mean, just look at the smug look on Kat’s face. Wouldn’t you just want to poison her, if you were Sandra? But..once a cheater always a cheater, and now Kat’s lost out to some other cheap tart, so I expect Sandra may be looking a touch smug too these days.

      • That’s it, I agree, I’m always trying to pretend that I’m ok with things when deep inside I wish I was allowed to carry my semi-automatic and let loose at them… And yep I do it in my head as well and enjoy it… Karma… What goes around comes around and a cheater is always worried about being cheated on. Anybody who doesn’t care or get hurt is just kidding themselves…

        As far as Queensland goes, we didn’t get to see the dolphins, we went to underwater world instead, then Sizzlers tonight (kept the kids happy). Tomorrow we’re off to Tin Can Bay to feed dolphins (I hope)

        Hope all is going great in your land of leisure (or is that blogging).



      • Working very HARD in the land of leisure!!

  2. PostModernSingle

    The anger and hate for the cheating partner is there but it takes time to sort through that and the love (however misplaced) you have for him. I agree, the lack of relationship with the Other Woman means you can jump right to anger at her.

    I don’t know how I would react if I found out the Other Woman didn’t know about you. But if she enters an affair with your man knowingly, regardless of what stories he tells her, she made a choice to be an accomplice to the lie that hurt you. More than fair game to direct some hate her way.

    On top of that, emotions aren’t supposed to be rational. That doesn’t invalidate them.

  3. Oh man! I think I dated Demon-Ex too! Sounds like the same guy: multiple cheater, liar (mine would lie about what he had for breakfast, just so he could get his recommended daily allowance of lying in…and talk about a dong not in working order: only guy I’ve ever known who would regularly fake an orgasm just so I wouldn’t know he’d lost his erection…I knew!
    The worst part of it is that i ended up with him cuz I “stole” him from another girl. First and last time for that type of misadventure…now, I had my reasons, they seemed right at the time: I had been with him first(but I lived out of town) and he and I both felt there was a “fated” quality to our’ “love”! (yeah,I know,what a crock!)
    The weirdest thing is, for months, before I gave in,he pushed for her and I to be friends…and we were. So in the long run, when I found out what a creep he really was (why yes! Of COURSE he cheated on me too,however did you guess?) I really felt as though I had picked the WRONG party to be loyal to!! Should’ve kept the friendship,she was an awesome woman!
    so, yes,I learned my lesson, wish I hadn’t of had to learn it by being a creep myself,but, sometimes we have to really mess up to learn our lessons!

    • that’s interesting that you say that, cause I used to be a multiple dater – I never dated anyone who had a girlfriend, but I used to lie (mostly omission but sometimes straight out) so I could keep more than one guy on the line. This was years ago. It all blew up in my face, I lost someone I valued, and I decided never to do it again. Mind you, cheating’s a hard habit to break, once you get used to it, you think, oh, why not, he’ll never know! I don’t do it now but I agree with you big time about messing up and learning!

  4. Kourtney Heintz

    I do agree with you that anyone that hurts you should be held accountable for their actions, inadvertent or intentional. If the “mistress” knew about the girlfriend and went forward with her relationship, she’s definitely at fault. And sure it’s easier to hate her. It’s acceptable to hate her.

    But after a couple months of all that emotional irrationality, at some point a glimmer of logic needs to emerge. An understanding that holding on to him is far more dangerous than letting him go. A realization that he is the biggest villain in the story.

  5. Kourtney Heintz

    I’m glad my post partially inspired yours. 🙂 August McLaughlin suggested my post to me after I mentioned I’d like a “Hold Your Man Accountable Day” as a new national holiday. 🙂

    You made great points about how love is not logical. I think we’ve all been there. And then six months later wanted to slam our head on the desk for being so blinded by love. 🙂


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