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Pictures of Fairyland

Maybe a consistent theme of my life is starting off as an emotional blank page, having no idea what people are on about and then later on thinking ‘oh, so THAT’s what it must have felt like!’.

Normal Deviations has pointed out on his blog that I’m not always happy.  So doing a little introspection, I went for a walk and thought, aren’t I happy? And why not?

Much of the time, I AM happy. I live in heaven (or at least, fairyland). My children are lovely and loving, as are my three dogs and my little grey purring cat. I’m not working in the land of the living dead (ie for the government). I’m writing.

To the extent that I’m NOT happy, maybe it’s because of ‘him’ – and it is wearing off.  I can’t understand the effect – some complicated chemical reaction in the brain, I guess – but I can feel it. This was someone I loved more than anyone (except maybe my cat).  Eventually I realised that he was an incurable liar, cruel, egocentric, an actor who couldn’t stop acting even when the lights went down.  Worse than that, I realised that he was, in a way, stupid.  What else do you call it when someone can’t look outside themselves to see the inevitable effects of what they’re doing, when someone can’t understand you no matter how you try to explain, but falls back on tired clichés like ‘I suppose you’re a saint, then!’ and ‘women are always trying to control me’.  More than anything in this world, I get tired of stupid people, people who refuse to really see, hear, think.

And there you have it, the two reasons why I’m not entirely happy.  One, I realised that the man I once loved was a poor deformed thing who tried to suck the life out of me and almost succeeded – I’m still licking my wounds.  I know he loved me and didn’t want to lose me.  I know he was in many ways a thing of beauty.  I know that living with a disability aint easy, even if it’s a moral/emotional one.   I’m tempted to say he couldn’t help it, being what he was, but he could. We all can.  And two, my inability to find, not a partner (there are beautiful men available) but someone who is able to know me, who can meet me on my own terms.   I’ll end up compromising for cuddles, but I feel wistful.  Where’s the person who can finish MY sentences…..

Oh, and here’s Fairyland.  Again. Could anyone NOT be happy here?

About butimbeautiful

Rose has two blogs,, and Enjoy!

12 responses »

  1. NormalDeviations

    Identifying why we’re unhappy is the first step in the right direction. And it’s okay not to be happy all the time. That’s part of being human. Hang in there. =)

    (In fact, I greatly distrust people who seem happy all the time. It means they’ve got a lot of practice hiding anything but happiness. If they hide something as human as unhappiness, what else are they hiding that I can’t see?)

    • True. But sometimes they are just happy. My normal state is happiness tinged with minor irritations such as managers and kitchen spills – my ex used to try to get me to exhibit unhappiness because he felt it was abnormal to be as cheerful as me! I sometimes think it’s because ‘now’ is almost everything to me and now often seems really good – but then, it might also be because I push any unhappiness right to the back of my brain, a way of dealing with a certain amount of childhood misery. I guess working these things out is part of living! Anyway thanks for making me think!

  2. We seem to be on a similar wavelength…normally, I’m pretty happy, sure, there’s ups and downs, but normally, smooth-ish sailing. Today? Not so much…if the guy’s gone, why is the rollercoaster ride still here? I hope tomorrow I’ll be back to”happiness tinged with minor irritations such as managers and kitchen spills” I hope you will be too!

  3. You sound like you are well on your way to happiness!
    For me, I’d like a bit more piece of mind please…

  4. PostModernSingle

    Fairyland is stunning! Thanks for sharing. I’m sure there is lots of happiness to be found out there.

    I really liked the phrase “lovely and loving”.

  5. Pingback: The Great and Powerful Oz « Normal Deviations

  6. I find happiness is relative and is perspective as well. I’ve also seen happiness as something that is fleeting not a constant state – perhaps I’m sounding more depressive than I want to (which is not at all) – but I share in your sentiments of living for now, the past is gone, the future hasn’t arrived and now is living. I don’t think happiness is unobtainable nor do I think people can’t be happy all the time – they can. I find that how we view ourselves and our lives has a great impact.


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