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Hey you! Yeah that’s right, you with the balls! I need help!

Right now I’m not dating anyone, or trying to. I’m writing.

But SOON – I’ll be done with my book, for now, and then I’ll want a man.

And THEN I’ll have a problem.  Which is:

How do I say ‘I’m not interested in seeing you again’ in a way that makes the guy feel less like the rejected novel on the slush pile?

Because I know how crappy it can feel when you’re internet dating and one of these things happen:

  • You’re emailing a guy, and he’s emailing you, and then suddenly – he stops. What did I say??
  • You send a guy a ‘kiss’ and he sends you back an auto-reply ‘Thanks but no’.  If it’s one in every ten that’s fine, if it’s nine in every ten, you’re like ‘What’s wrong with me then?’ and ‘Couldn’t you just, like, ignore me instead of hitting the auto-reply?’.
  • You meet up with a guy, and you get on alright, and he says he’d like to meet you again, so you email him and…nothing.
  • You meet up with a guy, and you THINK you get on alright, and he doesn’t say he’d like to meet you again.
  • You ask a guy if he’d like to meet up again, and he says no.

So the super-confident person, when any of these things happen, just quotes something out of He’s Just Not That Into You like ‘I’m simply magnificent and you obviously weren’t the right person to see how truly scrumptious I am – worse luck YOU!’.

I’ll buy you one if you answer my question!

But the not-so-confident person, after a string of these rejections, starts to think ‘What kind of loser am I? Doesn’t ANYONE like me?’

Do as you would be done by.  So I want to leave the guys I don’t happen to want, with a feeling of ‘Hey she doesn’t want to go out with me but I’m a hot, sexy, charming man and the right babe is probably sitting there at her computer this very moment having wet dreams about my warmth and intellect!’

But HOW?? Guys, help me here. Only a MAN knows how a man feels – so tell me, how do you like your rejections? What’s the best one you’ve ever had? How can I leave you feeling sweet?

About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

56 responses »

  1. I can’t WAIT to read the guy responses!

    Reply
    • I hope there are some..I don’t know many guys out there!

      Reply
      • Yeah, I posted a link to my Ok Cupid account on Facebook, asking that my male friends read it and tell me why they thought I was attracting the troglodytes that I was, and only two did (and I have a LOT of friends, a good portion of them male) Most of the comments were people trying to bolster my self-esteem (which did NOT need bolstering!)
        And, you know what happened a few blog posts back when I asked my male readers to comment:none of them did, the pansies! I hope they do for you!

      • I guess we forget that men don’t write stuff easily…poor things. Or maybe they think if they give us pointers it’ll be an unfair advantage.

      • I don’t think they think clearly enough for the 2nd, haha! (‘cept maybe for OUR’ sons, which are intellectually and emotionally superior, of course!)

        As for the writing stuff easily? Well, some men do, but they STILL don’t seem to want to spill when it comes to those pesky emotional things, do they?!!

      • Nooo…I was thinking, suppose I put ‘boobs’ in the tags (and a picture of some, obviously, wouldn’t want to disappoint), or ‘sophisticated sex’? Something to, you know, draw them in? Any ideas?

      • Oh, CS, NO! That last line just kills me! Oh, honey! There’s someone for everyone “they” say!

  2. Honesty baby honesty, but when I say honesty, it’s the guilt edged gentle white lie variety, not the ‘your ffffing ugly and your breath smells like an elephants bumhole’. But the better the friend the more honest you can be I think. One nightstands, well maybe you can just say thanks and just no next time they ask. Just don’t lead them on with a maybe that really means no.

    Plus, getting back with someone you have lost contact with, but you’d like to again, just do it! Not that I’m the greatest at this, but it’s something I’m always aiming to do.

    The worst I’ve had is that ‘drop dead not you again’ and the best is when someone just tell how it is, but not with a brickbat, gently, and sometimes they become your very best friends.

    CS

    Reply
    • But we’re talking online here, we haven’t had the stand yet. So online, what’s the nicest way a woman can say ‘no’?

      Reply
      • Yeah, CS, you’re a man that writes (and talks!) spill!

      • Okay so online, I personally hate the whole online rejection process, I’m more likely to say yes, roll the dice and see a person in the flesh. I’m into the real not the online, it’s only when you meet up that you really know.

        But if they are too short, tall, fat, old, young, shortsighted, opinionated, they sound stupid, too religious, have mousy hair (in their photo), big noses, small or too big tits, or just sound like I’d really hate them from the first 5 minutes… Well I’ll just say thanks but no thanks, and no I probably will not say why, cause if I’m never going to see them again, why bother… And by the way this isn’t actually my attitude, it just from my experiences from dating sites. So I’d read this in the mirror and do the opposite…

        CS

      • Ok…but in an ideal world, what would you like a woman to say (other than yes! and ‘Would you like to come round to my place tonight you sexy hairy beast you!’)??

  3. urrghhh! So THAT went in the wrong place (stoopid WP, grumble, bitch, complain!)
    So, I don’t know if this will go in the right place or not, but, here goes:
    The boob thing! The boob thing works! For years I had customers say to me “You know, I think my husband would really like The Renaissance Faire, but I can’t get him here.”

    So I say “Tell him BEER and BOOBS.”

    And the next year (or sometimes the next weekend!) the husband’s there and having a BLAST!!!!

    Beer and boobs, or even just BOOBS, really draws a man in!

    Reply
  4. and THAT went in the wrong place too…

    Reply
  5. but, anyway, wrong place or not, no, I don’t think “sophisticated sex” would draw men in…just go for the boobs!

    Reply
  6. Ok, here is my honest answer, no filters, no bullshit… I would much rather none of this sophisticated I’m looking for friendship, and see what happens crap. I’d love it if we could all just be bloody honest. I wouldn’t mind hooking up with you to see if we hit it off, and if we fancy each other I’d like to screw the arse off you, in as many ways as it is possible. I’m not looking to find my next life partner, I’m a guy, maybe that will happen, and great if it does. But I’m just as much into sex and flirting as the next guy. I just hate the send out a ‘kiss’ crap and get a no thanks, without even seeing what the hell I’m actually like. So no I don’t enjoy the 9 out of 10 rejections, or I’m don’t want to take it any further right now, but thanks for the kiss, that you get on some dating sites. I’d even love it if they just had email straight up front without all the kiss crap, then you could electronically siddle up to someone and via email whisper sweet nothings in their ears, or maybe a bit of virtual heavy breathing.

    So, over to you girls out there, who is WoMAN enough to take on Capt. Savage, roll the dice and see where it lands???

    CS
    (Absolutely sick and tired of dating sites and virtual ‘dis-honesty’ that comes with them)

    Reply
    • There’s no simple answer to dating etiquette, I can see that! It doesn’t matter how you phrase no, no isn’t any fun for the person getting it. Right? In some ways it’s a pity men don’t date men and women women (I mean, as a matter of course) cause I can just see a ‘male to male’ dating site. Instead of ‘kisses’ it’d be ‘You wanna fuck?’, ‘Nope, I’ve already got as much dick as I can handle’, ‘Alright, no worries mate, be back later eh.’. A female one..? ‘Love your dress’, ‘Love yours too!’, ‘Where’d you get that eyeliner?”, ‘Hey I’ll tell you what, wanna go shopping?’. No really, I’m just stereotyping.

      Reply
      • Yep, instead of RSVP.com or eharmony.com we could have DYWTF.com (Do You Want To Fuck) or maybe YHBT.com (You Have Big Tits)… And no you aren’t stereotyping, you women really seem to be in another stream of consciousness sometimes (well apart from you Rose). And on the being honest score, here is another bit of it… I hate the whole rejection crap, or the it didn’t work out on the first view, why bother attitude. We aren’t bloody things hanging up in a supermarket, like sacks of spuds, we are living breathing complex organisms. We are worth the risk of deeper sampling… And if the first communcation/contact isn’t that great, maybe if you get on with the person mostly ok, maybe just maybe you should give them another shot, rather than chucking them into the bin and reaching for the next model! Nobody these days seems to want to learn to like someone, to learn what makes each other tick, we all seem to desire instant gratification, like we are all born sex machines, dripping one liners, rippling muscles and hairy chests… Yes sometimes there is instant chemistry, hot sweaty sexual attraction, can’t keep my hands off you stuff, happening. When you both end up hands all over each other, tongues down each others throats within the first few minutes. But other times I’ve found that the fun is in the chase, the slow growing burn of attraction that comes from liking someone, then feeling that fire kick in spark and then burst into raging flames.

        Anyway, I think that’s enough from me now, perhaps I need to unburden myself on my own blog or with a friend in private over a few beers or some wines.

        CS

      • Oh well, you know where I live!

    • NormalDeviations

      What Savage says. Be direct, tactful, but not vague.

      What bugs me the most is NO response. Any response, positive or negative, is feedback. Instead of giving me the impression that I’m not even worth the common courtesy of saying “I don’t believe we’d be a good match. Good luck!”

      Although terse responses like “no thanks” suck…

      Reply
      • Actually on the dating site CS and I have used in the past, there’s tick-box responses that are pretty polite. But having ten of them arrive in your inbox at once can be pretty dispiriting, no matter how ‘flattered but..’ they are.

  7. Oh man…see, I have real mixed feelings about online dating: On one hand, I like the availability, you can possibly find someone without all the club where you can’t hear and blah blah blah, but on the other hand, I think the availability is the problem! It turns finding a partner, finding love, into catalog shopping, where there’s always a better “style” on the next page…makes it so easy to let go of someone or reject someone because they’re not perfect. Hell! None of us are perfect! The “rejecters” aren’t perfect either! (and if they had a mirror in their house they would know that…ouch! was that my outside font?)

    For me, after a few months of this online dating crap, I can tell you that I prefer if the guy just doesn’t answer my “wink” or whatever, rather than giving me the “While you seem like a great girl and so fun to hang out with, I just don’t think we’re a match.” (seriously, I got that one!)(several times!)Just ignore me, then I can say “Oh well, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” instead of “WTF!!! I just don’t get it! If I’m such a great girl, why?”

    Reply
  8. Oh, and btw, here in the states, there is a DYWTF.com, but only for gay boys. It’s called Grinder.

    Reply
  9. butimbeautiful | May 17, 2012 at 5:48 am Ok…but in an ideal world, what would you like a woman to say (other than yes! and ‘Would you like to come round to my place tonight you sexy hairy beast you!’)??

    Answer Rose… I WOULD LOVE THAT… and it has happened to me, just a couple of times… It would be fantastic!!! But I live in the real world and apparently, and I’m in this group too, we HATE risk and rejection, and putting it out there, well that just not in some of our makeups.

    So If there is someone out there who “Would you like to come round to my place tonight you sexy hairy beast you”, let’s meet up NOW…

    CS

    Reply
    • Ok well how about this. You and me compete to collect rejections (and you can’t use your head start on me). To make something crappy into something fun, you gotta turn it into a game! Maybe I’ll make up a little rhyme about each one..like ‘Roses are red daisies are yellow I hope you drop dead you stupid creepy did I already say stupid? fellow’. I think the rules should allow for the occasional email such as ‘You look just like Proust, would you like to date me?’ and ‘Get over here right now you horny hot super stud you!’. Ok?

      Reply
      • Ok I’ve started the ball rolling, now I take it we both need to get dating action happening, or more precisely some not so successful action happening. I don’t feel particularly challenged by this task, as it’s the usual modus operandi for us blokes BTW, but I’d be interested to here yours, because I think they will be special as there probably won’t be too many of them I think…

        🙂

        CS
        (You are beautiful, and getting a rejection will be the challenge I think)

      • Oh no, I get rejected plenty!

      • Ok, we’ll meet on Sunday and work out the rules of the game, ok?

      • butimbeautiful | May 18, 2012 at 3:40 am Ok, we’ll meet on Sunday and work out the rules of the game, ok?

        Couldn’t figure out how to reply in sequence to this one, but is this in response to the this thread or the email I sent you earlier today about maybe catching up tonight? As the two are kind of related and not related, if that makes sense, one is a chewing the fat opportunity the other is well, anyway 🙂 Suppose I’ll see you Sunday then…

      • oh sorry, I didn’t get that email! I’ve sort of psyched myself into spending a night working on the novel and stuff, otherwise would have loved to. NO – this is about the Game of Love.

  10. “Do as you would be done by.” So, turn the question around … if a guy rejects you, how do you want to be rejected? I’ll go with what CS said at the very beginning, just be honest. The reason why all of the stuff you’re talking about is so difficult for everybody is that there isn’t enough honesty, there’s too much game-playing and fear of the actual truth. In the real world, it should be OK to say, “you know what, something about this just isn’t working for me.”

    Reply
    • I think that’s a pretty nice way of saying it. Ok, so how would i like to get rejected. Maybe ‘You’re lovely but I think we’re both looking for something a bit different’. Or ‘You were brilliant to talk to but I don’t think we’ve got enough in common’. So, it starts with a compliment, has a refusal in the middle, and, oh yeah, ends with another compliment ‘and by the way you have a great arse’.

      Reply
      • A legitimate compliment followed by a legitimate reason probably would be a good approach, but then be prepared for the “but, why” since us guys can’t handle the truth. And the “great arse” could be tremendously helpful as well.

      • The ‘but why?’ is something I don’t think you’d get from women so often, certainly never from me. The slightest hint of ‘I’m not that keen’ and I’m off – not a pursuer, I guess.

  11. NormalDeviations

    Just had a thought. Why respond with rejection? (I mean, to an initial email) Why not something like:

    “I’m not really feeling it from the first email you sent but lets give it another shot. This is why I’m not feeling like it will go anywhere, _______. Why do you think we might be compatible?”

    Then, if they respond in a shithead way, forget ’em. Maybe that kind of coaxing might shed a new light on things.

    Chances are, I think most won’t respond and might feel intimidated that you’re that open about it.

    Reply
  12. Have to agree with the other guys in the thread – honest is good.
    “I appreciate who you are (or something) from your emails, but I don’t think you’re the one I’m looking for. Nothing I can put my finger on, but hey, it just happens sometimes.
    Hope you find what you’re looking for, and good luck to you”.

    This has never happened to me, as all my rejections were so terrible I’ve blotted them out.
    I did once break up with a girl by saying “Is this going anywhere you want to be? Yeah, me either”.
    But then, I’m kind of a dick.

    Reply
    • That’s helpful. Mind you your other breakup line wasn’t too bad – if I got that, I’d feel philosophical – after all, it was mutual,right? That said, nobody’s ever actually broken up with me by saying something, the only person who did break up with me, did it by just going AWOL.

      Reply
  13. Pingback: No, your bum looks fine in that. Really!!! « Captsavage's Blog

  14. I try to respond to everyone who contacts me, but I struggle with the best way to say no. (I always think of the New Yorker cartoon, with a man saying into a phone: “How’s never? Would never work for you?”) I’ve found that when I give a reason with my no, it’s often an opportunity for the man to respond again: “I realize that we live three hours apart and that I’m 20 years older than you, but I’m often down in Victoria and I’m young at heart!” My new rule is that I say no once, and don’t reply to any further emails. But I quite like El Guopo’s “I can’t put my finger on it..” suggestion. Vague enough that the person can’t respond.

    Reply
    • Yeah, I think men have been taught that persistence is a good thing, whereas women are taught to avoid it unless they want to look desperate. I think one ‘no’ is enough too. Maybe I’ll try El Guapo’s line!

      Reply
  15. Pingback: How About Never? Would Never Work For You? | Deliberately Delicious

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