A Tale of Two Women and their Push Up Bras
In a country not that far away, at a time not very long ago, a nerd with time on her hands hacked into the email accounts of two well-known women. She passed the shocking results on to a friend..who passed them on to a friend…who published them on this blog. Can you guess who these women are?
Rose has escaped from a sexless marriage by way of a one night stand with handsome but hopeless-in-the-sack Wayne Sexton. As for Olivia, middle-aged spread and a teenage daughter with piercings has kind of dented her dream. They’re old friends reunited – but does Rose have designs on Olivia’s billionnaire hubby?
Get your hands off my..
You know, he’d probably take you back, if you said you were really, really sorry.
You’ve got to be kidding!
Well, it was Steve’s idea really. He says he hates to think of you all alone on a Friday night, with nothing but a bottle of Baileys and your memories!
Aw! How sweet! Tell Steve he needn’t feel sorry for me, John’s the one who needs the sympathy. He didn’t want to be divorced, he wanted to go on being miserable, he enjoys it. Though now he’ll be able to get his fetish magazines down from the top shelf in the kitchen above all those appliances we bought and never used –the ones he thought I didn’t know about. He might as well put them straight out on the bedside table now. Come to think of it he was taking his life in his hands climbing up there every time he needed a wank! Ha ha. Wish he’d broken his frigging neck!
Oh come on Rose, you wouldn’t have stayed so long if it had been that bad. Do you miss him?
Hell no! I’m having a spectacular time! Free at last. Like, if I want, I can eat mcnuggets every single night of the frigging week! In my trackie daks!
I don’t know. It’s rather sad that it’s come to this, don’t you think? Do you remember when we first met them? We were all so young and goodlooking…well, young anyway..
Oh god yeah! That day, in that pub in Glebe! We were eighteen and it was our first time in a pub and we were so nervous? Like, actually buying our own alcohol? Instead of getting it out of a coke bottle down the local park.
Remember how Steve came over to where we were hanging out – god he was cute in those days – and said his friend wanted to know if we’d like to have a drink with them? Cause John was too shy to come over himself, so Steve said anyway. And we looked over and there was John trying to build houses out of beer mats like we didn’t even exist! Typical aspergers. I know that now.
Hey and do you remember Steve was wearing those orange flared trousers and one earring, and we thought he was hot but we couldn’t remember which ear you were supposed to wear your earring in to show you were gay – but you didn’t want to ask him cause you were too ladylike? And they were both pissed as newts.
And you and me went into the toilet and argued about which one we wanted, and I baggsed Steve because he had bigger feet, and you know what THAT means. And you said you wanted John, cause he looked like he worked in accounts or finance or something and you said guys like that could afford to take their girlfriends on expensive weekends in the country but guys like Steve were only interested in one thing. Only we didn’t know whether it was a girl thing or a boy thing. Ha!
Only it turned out John liked me because I looked like his mum –just as well I never SAW his mum till we were properly hooked up cause she was fucking GROSS! And Steve liked you because he thought you were a challenge.
And you bloody well were – you made him wait, what was it, six months? I bet you he’d drop you if he didn’t get his leg over – and you bet me he’d ask you to marry him, and I couldn’t believe it you were right!!!
And Steve told John to watch out for chicks like me, what was it he said? Mate, if she drops her undies for you on the second date, how long do you think she’ll wait to drop them for every other guy she meets.
And I said, like, WTF! And you said men were like that, you couldn’t just sleep with them when you felt like it otherwise they’d think you were a slut and not wife material? And the rest is history. I’m glad you ended up with him by the way – don’t think I’m harking back or anything like that.
I remember it quite differently, as it happens. I remember you falling all over Steve with your arms around his neck, and trying to sit on his bar stool. And your hair got caught in his earring and the stool tipped when you were trying to pull it out, and you both fell onto the floor into a puddle of beer, and you just lay there giggling and trying to pull your skirt down over your panties. I was mortified!
And didn’t you have sex with John on the first date, not the second? I expect he wanted to wait till the second, but you probably insisted!
So is it true what they say about big feet?
I’m not complaining. I don’t know why anyone would want a man with a large penis anyway.
You don’t? Liv, Steve is WASTED on you!
Rose, now you’re single, I want us to get one thing straight. Steve married me. We’re very happy together. I know you two used to flirt when we were younger – not that it meant anything – but we’ve all grown up since then, and I’d really rather you didn’t make suggestive remarks. I do hope I haven’t offended you, darling!
Babe, I’m in Sydney. You’re in Perth. How the fuck am I going to flirt with your billionaire husband from here! Anyway, I don’t want your bloody hubby – I’ve just got rid of mine and there’s no way I’m gonna be signing up for another one anytime soon. And another thing, I like my toyshop without the verandah, ta very muchly.