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Hate Mail to My Dictionary – Free Write Not Friday

This little story is for the fascinating Kellie Elmore of Free Write Friday!

Dear Dictionary

I just wanted to say that you really PISS ME OFF!

There you sit, you self-satisfied little turd, smugly re-gurgitating words like Alabaster and Intrinsic, as if you think that somehow makes you a better Book than me!

Well I’m here to tell you it doesn’t.  You’re not impressing anyone – you’re FAILING!  You might as well just go on Fail.Blog right now!  I know you think that all that time you spend in the gym, getting all fit and leather-bound, will make you more attractive to writers – but as far as I’m concerned it’s just pathetic and pretentious.  You have no SYMMETRY whatsoever.  I mean, all your weight is up the front end – A and B and M – and you have hardly any words at the tail end – your Z and Y!  You’re all chest and no arse!  Let me tell you, my contempt for your feeble stratagems is IMMENSE!  You’re not even fit to lick my SHADOW!  Why can’t you just stick to ordinary words that everyone can understand, like APPLES  and Fart?

And another thing! How come you go round pretending you’re so ALOOF! I waited six hours in line to get your effing autograph last year and you just sailed right past me like you didn’t even see me.  Guess you think you’re too damn important to talk to the likes of me – just a poor little Mills and Boone paperback, right? Well let me tell you, I have more readers than you’ll ever have looking at your sorry arse!  You dingy strumpet! You deceitful jade!  Don’t think I’m ever going to open YOUR pages for inspiration – cause I’m NOT.

I hope you fall off the shelf and DIE, motherf***ker!

Yours sincerely,

Heaving Bosoms

About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

12 responses »

  1. I didn’t think you were anti-dic.

    Reply
    • Sort of. I think a piece of writing should communicate with beauty or at least power. If a reader has to think ‘what the hell was she on about!’ or look up the Oxford every two minutes, it’s failing on the communication aspect. Words – in my opinion – don’t have a point in themselves, they’re a means to an end.

      Reply
  2. Raw, powerful… And loads of fun!

    Reply
  3. whiteladyinthehood

    Haha! You are a very versatile writer. You could tell you had fun writing this one!

    Reply
  4. workspousestory

    I loved it!

    Reply
  5. I totally LOVE it when a piece makes me literally laugh out loud! LOVED this!!! So happy to have it in FWF!!!! Clever and entertaining! Thanks for the awesome contribution!

    Reply

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