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Strange Stories: One Sided Conversation

Hi.  I’m Mike.

And you’re…?  Mary?  Like the virgin, ha ha.

No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be in bad taste.  Did I tell you you must be the best looking girl in this place?  No?

So what’s a nice girl like you…

You’ve heard that line before?

Oh, sorry.  So what do you do?

What do I do?

I’m rich.  Actually I can’t tell you exactly what I do because it’s secret – classified work, you know what I mean.  But I do own a Porsche.  And, yeah, I’m travelling for work.  It’s so boring being a senior manager – you get so sick of all the pressure.  People bothering you for decisions, decisions – and you work fourteen hour days, never get to see your family – not that I have a family – never get to go out and just have a good time, let your hair down…

Yeah, well, alright, I’m out now, but usually – god you’re a goodlooking woman.  Care for a drink?

Uh huh.  Cocktails make you drunk quicker, you know.  Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have a beer?  No?  Right, an Orgasm thanks and – how much is that?  Uh, right.

So, um, tell me about yourself.

An intelligent woman!  I like an intelligent woman.  I like a woman who is capable of understanding me, really understanding me, having a real conversation, you know what I mean?  So..do you mind if I ask you how old you are?

You’re kidding?  I would have guessed you were twenty-five at the absolute outside!  You certainly look pretty good for your age..

Yeah.  Well, like I was saying, my work is classified, really, but I can tell you a bit about it, since you’re a friend of mine now.  We work on decoding satellite data for NATO, you’d be fascinated to hear the little things we find out…I mean those Iranians get up to things you wouldn’t believe, in a Moslem country..

A woman like you, I suppose you’ve got lots of boyfriends…

No?

Yeah, I’m divorced.  My wife is..I mean she was a bit of a ballbreaker.  Executive type.  I mean I love intelligent women but there’s got to be some softness there, don’t you think?  Femininity…

Relationships?  I love women and leave them – until now, that is.  Until I met you!  I mean, they’re always trying to pin you down, leaving their shit at your flat, wanting to buy furniture together…I never date a woman who lives nearby, she’d always be calling round to see what you’re up to…women tend to pursue me, you know what I mean?

Sure, all that’s changed now.  I’m a reformed man.  I just came to this place for a quiet drink, anyway.  I wasn’t thinking about sex, I mean women, at all – but then I saw you and I was just bowled over..

Oh yeah, I love dancing, but I get this pain in my leg….old war wound, from Vietnam, I mean Bosnia

Sure, I was in Bosnia – that was when I was a war correspondent.  People think it’s all drama and excitement and danger, but you get blasé about all that after a while, bullets and risk and saving lives and getting scoops and so on..

You know, we’ve been talking for – what’s it been – it seems like hours.  Twenty minutes – no, it has to be longer than that.  Anyway, I need to tell you,  I’ve got this feeling about you.  You’re something special.  I look into your eyes – has anyone ever said what beautiful eyes you have – and you know what, I think I’m falling in love.  I think you may be the one I’ve been waiting for all my life.

No, this is only my third drink.  I can walk a straight line any time, you watch me.

I don’t usually do this, but would you consider coming out with me?  I mean, we could go to the movies, the theatre…I’d just love to take you out to dinner, somewhere special, somewhere really expensive…

Let’s go out and take a walk.  Look at the stars.  I love nature, don’t you?  Where’d you say you parked your car?

Do you mind if I hold your hand?  No?  I love liberated women, they’re so sexy.  So…liberated!  Some women are afraid of their sexuality, don’t you find?  But you’re so lusty, so assertive…I find it devastatingly attractive…

No, let’s go in your car.  Mine’s….in the garage being fixed.  I mean, having a new cocktail cabinet fitted and an in-car tv.

You want to do what?

Uh, yeah.

You’re into…come again?

I mean, I’m really glad you’ve got a healthy sense of your own sexuality, it’s really great but…did I hear you right?

Wait a minute – oh, I think that’s my mobile buzzing – I’ve got one of those vibrating ones, the latest model…

You mean you want me over there right now – but I’m – well, ok, if it’s that urgent, I guess…

I’m so sorry, something’s just come up.  Looks like I have to go in to the office and save the nation…

Sure I”d love to see you again.  Now let’s see, what’s your phone number?  I’ll call you, alright?

Great, well it’s been lovely meeting you too…

Oh, fuck, that was a near one!  Mate, I may be open minded, but I don’t go that low…if she wants to talk about post-structuralist modern art and Jungian theories of identity – phew – she’d better get one of those..gigolos or whatever  – I’m not into that kind of kinky stuff,  man…Fuck me

About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

11 responses »

  1. I’m so ridiculously happy I was never that guy.

    And why is the British Council putting out dating videos?!?

    Reply
  2. Hysterical! (and I think I’ve met him!)

    Reply
  3. very intriguing way of writing rose. some people are so bizarre!

    Reply
  4. whiteladyinthehood

    Ha! You are really cracking me up today! Love your sense of humor.

    Reply
  5. workspousestory

    Wow. If I met that guy earlier I probably would leave my husband-to-be and marry him instead…

    Reply

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