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Strange stories: How do you mean you’re a..

Jeez i love Twilight.

I wish I could meet a guy like Edward.  You know, tall, really hot, kinda weird…but really HOT.  Shit like that never happens to me.

Like this guy Kyle.  I think he has a crush on me.  I don’t like him much but.  Last week we were doing orienteering in the bush, like Kuringai National Park it was, and Kyle and me was a team, and we got lost.  So Kyle says, hang on a sec, I’m just gonna take a look around, I’ll be back in a min.  And I said, dude, don’t go doing that yer fucking idiot, it says here – and I was reading the handout to him, about how we’re not supposed to take off on our own and like, it can be dangerous in the bush and stuff – and I look up and he’s fuckin gone!

So then I’m on me own.  So I sort of start off and I’m turning the map this way and that way – I bloody hate maps – and tripping over shit and stuff, and then I look up and there’s Kyle – sitting in a bloody tree like a magpie.  Dunno how he got up there, he must’ve run all the way i guess and then done some sort of koala act, I don’t know.  I was really pissed.  So I say,

“Shit, dude, we’re supposed to be doing this together!”

And I look round, cause I don’t mind telling you, I was getting worried by this time.  It was getting kind of dark and Miss Thomson said we were supposed to be back at the carpark by half past four.

“Hey Kyle it’s half past five already and we -”

I’m shouting, like, so he can hear me up the tree when suddenly I feel this sort of breathing on my neck and I turn around and there he is.  Standing there behind me like some kind of pedo, just staring at me.

“What you looking at?” I hoped he wasn’t going to try anything, because Kyle’s not my type, no way. Like, he never seems to get a tan, and he’s got these sort of black eyes that look right through you.  Surfer dudes, they’re my type actually.

So then I got out the map again and I was gonna show it to him, cause guys are generally better at maps – but he’s like bending down over me like he can see a pimple on the back of my neck or something? So I rub it there, just to see if there is one, but there’s not.

“fuck off will you Kyle?  Anyway I’m pooped.”

So I sit down to stretch my legs and Kyle sits down beside me and he says,

“You know, Ebonee, there’s a lot you don’t know about me.  About my past and stuff.”

i hate it when guys get intense like that.  And I wish he’d stop staring at my bloody neck.  I know I’ve got a hickey there from when I was pashing with Aidan last night but it’s really rude to just keep looking like that?

“Yeah right. Like I wanna know anything about you. You’re creeping me out, Kyle!”

That’s when this mozzie flies right into my mascara.  I don’t wanna come back all panda eyed, so I shut my eyes, just for two secs, like, to see if I can pick it out with my pinkie.  Suddenly I feel this horrible cheesy breath up against my cheek, and when I open my eyes there’s Kyle with his mouth open – all disgusting and red, like he’s put on lipstick or something? – and his eyes have gone all funny.  And that’s when I think –

He’s probably wearing those weird contact lenses.  Jeez his braces are sharp.

“Get off I said!” and I smack him one, right in the balls, with my right knee.  Mum taught me how to do that, she’s a great role model, my mum.

Then I hear Miss Thomson calling, “Kyle!  Ebonee!  Where are YOUUU!”

And I say, “Hey Kyle, you’re gonna be in big trouble now.  I’m gonna tell Ms Thomson about how you tried to KISS me and how you breathed all over me and stuff, and you’re gonna be in deep shit, cause that’s sexual harassment!”

I wish I could’ve gone orienteering with Edward, instead!

About butimbeautiful

Rose has two blogs,, and Enjoy!

7 responses »

  1. seems like he was trying to have that affect on you lol

  2. Perfect! Run out another 75,000 words and you can be the next Shades of Grey!

    • Actually I read a bit of that in the bookshop the other day (2 minutes’ worth). I find it embarrassing..but I was surprised that it wasn’t as badly written as I’d heard. At least, not in the little bits I managed to skim. There are now hundreds of clones of it, I notice, sitting up next to it on the shelf – raunchy out there romance/sex novels. Don’t think I’ll be heading that way, even if that IS where fame and fortune lie.


  3. whiteladyinthehood

    You have a wild imagination! It was funny and a little spooky!

    • Thanks. It was meant to be a sort of ‘what if’ spoof – like what if an Edward clone turned up at a school in the western suburbs in Sydney (that’s our ‘hood’).



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