A Tale of Two Women and their Push Up Bras
In a country not that far away, at a time not very long ago, a nerd with time on her hands hacked into the email accounts of two well-known women. She passed the shocking results on to a friend..who passed them on to a friend…who published them on this blog. Can you guess who these women are?
Fed up with her billionaire husband Steve’s philandering, and longing for something more in life, Olivia Harris-Smythe has joined the Liberal Party of Australia to begin the long slow climb up the greasy pole of politics. Meanwhile, Rose is thinking of altogether another kind of greasy pole.
Do you ever think about spiritual shit, Liv?
I beg your pardon? What kind of spiritual, er, shit?
Ha ha. I’ve been thinking, Maybe the reason my life’s pretty shitty at the moment is cause I don’t have the right vibes. Maybe I should do some work on my karma. Like, you’ve got the Liberal party and all that, maybe it’s time for me to get into something spiritual too, like religion say?
What do you reckon? Do you believe in your soul? I always thought it was just some crap the nuns made up so they could make you feel bad.
I have no idea. You’re not thinking of joining a cult, are you? If you are feeling religious, darling, you should probably join the Uniting Church, it’s safer and you’ll probably meet much more eligible men.
I’ve met one already! In the classifieds. And he’s lovely, and a real intellectual!
He believes we’ve all got a reason for being here and it’s to spread peace and love and all that in the world, only he’s not like those bloody nuns at school, cause he thinks sex is part of the path to enlightenment – but only when you approach it the right way. It all makes sense to me, sort of.
It’s called Higher Awareness Training apparently. HAT for short. You get to go on retreats in the bush and they give you lectures on things like how to ASK for what you want and how to approach others with love, acceptance and respect. Isn’t that nice?
Is he goodlooking? Does he earn an income?
Yeah, sure, he’s got a job. He doesn’t, like, own a porsche or anything, but I’m not that shallow. And he’s not that bad looking. He’s better looking than that Wiccan guy anyways.
And what do they do at these retreats? Pray?
Well…I know you’ll crack up but they have orgies. Only they don’t call them orgies. They’re about showing your love and acceptance through sharing your sexuality or something like that. You just touch people and appreciate them for what they truly are, including their bodies. Everybody hugs and kisses and supports one another. It sounds fantastic to me!
How do you mean, touch people? Where?
Everywhere. I mean anywhere you want to if they want to too. Nobody’s forced to do anything they don’t want to, I think you can just sit round and hold hands if you want or watch or whatever. Or even wank. It’s very enlightened. Brett says it’s beautiful and he’s grown a lot through it.
It sounds revolting. This Brett sounds very unhygienic. Can you imagine how many bottoms that man’s hand has been in? I am not talking about sexual morals here, simply hygiene. What is wrong with him? Normal people don’t do self development programs in my experience, although they may read about it in books. Workshops are for odd people, like psychologists.
But Brett’s very thoughtful. I mean, he thinks a lot, about things, like why his mother changed the sheets six times a week and never made his school lunch, and the role of the new man in today’s society. I never thought about that shit, did you? It makes you think about what your folks did to fuck you up only I never really realized it before. Hey you should try one of these things, it could really open your mind? Brett says it gets out all the repressed shit and you come out feeling much more, like, relaxed and aware of everything and stuff like that.
No thank you.
Anyway I’m off to the chemist now to get some eye drops. Steve has convinced himself he’s suffering from vitamin P deficiency. He’s annoyed with me as I have told him he does NOT need to visit an iridologist – he just needs to spend fewer hours locked in the library in front of that jolly laptop of his!