RSS Feed

Sex, Politics and Hotmail: Chapter14

A Tale of Two Women and their Push Up Bras

In a country not that far away, at a time not very long ago, a nerd with time on her hands hacked into the email accounts of two well-known women. She passed the shocking results on to a friend..who passed them on to a friend…who published them on this blog.  Can you guess who these women are?

THE STORY SO FAR….(Chapters One to Thirteen)

While Olivia Harris-Smythe is just loving her new job in the office of Clive Hamilton-Hogg, and her sexy but scarily efficient colleague Moira, Rose is getting interested in the spiritual side of life.

When things go up..

 

oliviah@hotmail.com

This job is fantastic! I never enjoyed anything so much in my life!  I don’t know why I didn’t do this twenty years ago! Actually I do but that’s another story.

Moira’s just so incredibly efficient – and so poised and well groomed, I’m jealous!  Her hair is NEVER frizzy and her toenail polish matches her fingernails and her jewellery is discreet but in perfect taste, and her handbags are Louis Vuitton….and she wears Bobbi Brown.  I expect she must be very well off, she probably just works in the office for kicks.  Like me. But it seems rude to ask.

Of course we’re dreadfully BUSY – which is why I didn’t manage to reply for, gosh, almost a week!  Clive’s out of the electorate a good deal, attending functions and State parliament and so on – so Moira and I are left to ourselves a lot of the time.  It gives one such a wonderful sense of authority and of being useful in the community!

People come in every day with their little complaints and problems!  But Moira just sorts them all out as if they were naughty four year olds at a birthday party.  For instance just yesterday we had two old ladies in here screeching at one another,

“I’m ninety, I am, and I shouldn’t be expected to put up with plane trees on the nature strip!  But SHE doesn’t care that I suffer from life threatening allergies, oh no, SHE wants me to drop down dead in my own home because I can’t breathe, so she can make her cow eyes at my husband – now young lady, I want you to write to the Minister and..”

“What do you mean cow eyes you stupid old bat, it’s my HUMAN right to plant plane trees on my bloody nature strip if I want to, that tree’s been there since 1962 and as for your dirty old fellow, you tell him from me if he sets one foot – ONE FOOT – on my lawn I’ll call the police – looking in my bay window in the morning while I’m getting my slippers on like some kind of peeping Tom, there’s laws against that sort of thing, even if he does say he’s just cutting back the roses..”

But Moira’s as calm as the dalai lama – she just makes them both a nice cup of Lapsang Soochong with home made shortbread biscuits and pretty soon they’re both chatting happily to one another and blaming the Greens somehow or other, I forget how she managed it!

I do so admire that woman!  Even if she does wear heels several inches beyond practicality!

purplerose@hotmail.com

Sounds like a hoot!

Hey guess what, Brett and me  have been on three dates now, it’s practically a serious relationship.  I’m really getting into this whole  Higher Awareness Training thing too!  Brett’s pretty high up in it, last week they asked him to give a presentation. On wanking.

oliviah@hotmail.com

Don’t people KNOW how to do that, for heaven’s sake!

purplerose@hotmail.com

Yeah but this is on a spiritual level. I mean have you ever wanked spiritually??

oliviah@hotmail.com

I don’t ‘wank’.

purplerose@hotmail.com

Yeah right.  Anyway Brett’s invited me to a nudie resort.  He says it’s just great, all the HAT people float around in hot tubs and hold hands and wash each others hair and talk about their emotions.  He says if I went he can really see me expanding, soul-wise.  I don’t see why not, do you?

oliviah@hotmail.com

Rose, it’s just a great big swingers party! If you go you’ll probably be raped by scores of rabid naturists.

purplerose@hotmail.com

No I won’t.  It’s all consensual Brett says.  If people want to stroke each other they have to ask, and then, if the other person doesn’t want to they can say no, no hard feelings, right?  I bet the men get a lot of practice asking and the chicks get pretty used to saying no but I’m not knocking it.  And they have seminars on your chakra and the clitoris and stuff like that.  Apparently it’s better if you’re stoned.  Brett’s got a bathroom full of plants so it’s no prob for him.

Get this though, nobody’s allowed to have sex.  You can talk about it and you can feel each other up as much as you like but you’re only allowed to screw if you’ve gone up all the grades and passed the exams.  Brett’s almost the whole way up, he’s so experienced!  He says it’s very empowering.

oliviah@hotmail.com

Empowering my bottom!

purplerose@hotmail.com

Yeah exactly.  Anyway, I reckon a bloke who’s put in all that time sitting around listening to lectures on women’s clits and looking deep in their eyes and sharing, must be really good at it?   I bet a guy like that would take hours before he even put it in!   I bet by the time he was done I would’ve had about twenty orgasms and feel totally explored and fulfilled and liberated –  I mean, this guy’s gotta know shit about the female body I’ve never even heard of!  Like, you know how they discovered the g spot, well Brett could probably take me through the whole frigging alphabet!  Or maybe he knows how to do that tantric thing where you come for hours. He must have bonked hundreds of women, I reckon. But not in a disrespectful way or anything.  That’s what I like about him.  Not like wham bam I never came Wayne.

Anyway I’m obviously gonna go to bed with him. Hey you know what, I’ve never screwed anyone before that’s practically got a degree in it!

About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

10 responses »

  1. Nice to see such good friends with such different mindsets.
    Is Clive going to turn up at the swinger thing?

    Reply
  2. I was 15 before I finally got it to a state where I was thoroughly satisfied with my efforts and at 45 I was still learning new techniques.

    Practice and a willingness to innovate seem to be essential.

    What were we talking about? Oh, yeah . . . wanking . . . well, that too . . .

    And yes, spiritually was one of the last forms learned.

    “Empowering your bottom”? Wasn’t that the idea to begin with?

    Reply
  3. workspousestory

    Ha! Loving this exchange…. totally, I’d go for it 😛

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: