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Announcing the unsexiest invitation to snog in the entire universe….

bikies moll

Ok perhaps that’s overstating it.

I met Mr Motorbike yesterday. It was a spur of the moment thing. I was in the area. I thought, why not.  One coffee never hurt anyone.

We meet. He’s ok. He’s into motorbikes.  He says, ‘Want to go for a spin?”

I think, it’s been 20 years since I’ve sat on the back of a motorbike.  And that was when my best friend was a bad girl with pink hair and an unbelievably huge bottom, who derived major street-cred from arriving at rough bars astride a large black two wheeled thing that went vroom.  I can’t be more specific – I’m not into motorbikes.  Except to say that my own two wheeled thing, which had wonky handlebars and went ‘squeak’, was kind of laughable in comparison.

So I’m in a YES kind of mood.  I mean, what could possibly go wrong?  I could be splattered all over the road like a can of tomato ravioli only sexier.  Or I could spend the next six months in hospital.  Or in a home-made dungeon….

So the next day he picked me up and we got on the vroom vroom and I suddenly remembered that I don’t like things that go fast, and the feeling of 100km/hr (actually 60 but it felt like it) wind in my face, and watching the road leer menacingly at my knees as we lean round a curve…I don’t like it much at all!

Anyway finally we reach our destination, a kinda pleasant picnic spot next to a river (with some families doing security patrol).

Me. So we’ll sit down here, shall we? What a nice morning!

Him. Mmm.

Me: So…what do you do when you’re not on your motorbike?

Him: (looks blank) I, um, garden, that kind of thing. And work, of course. Though not really.  They pay me a lot but I don’t actually do any work.

Me: Great. But in the evenings? I mean, after you’ve finished gardening..do you read?

Him: Nope.

Me: Watch tv, movies?

Him: Not much.

Me: What then?

Him: (after a pause) Don’t know really.

We contemplate the scenery.  I think about how quickly it would be polite to ask to get back on the bike and go home.

Suddenly there’s movement at the station.  A quick glance downwards.  A nervous leg movement.  And then it comes.

“Would you like contact?”

He’s already leaning in for the kill, lips pursed, arms invitingly curved.

“NO.”

“Oh, ok then.”

Well, that’s that then.  Fun time had by all.  But at least I got to have that bikies moll fantasy over again!

What’s the unsexiest come-on you’ve ever had?

About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

20 responses »

  1. haha! funny!

    Reply
  2. Wait – so how did you get back?
    I’m a guy. Not sure I’d consider any invitation to snog unsexy,,,

    Reply
  3. Pingback: Bad news equals no news | butimbeautiful

  4. On the bike. But come on, you would so! Have you ever seen our Bronwyn Bishop? Look her up. THEN tell me any invitation to snog’s acceptable.

    Reply
  5. whiteladyinthehood

    My husband LOVES motorcycles..it was our only mode of transportation when we first got together – I never got used to it – I was always scared!! I did not enjoy flying along that close to the pavement and it stunk when it rained or snowed.
    Most unsexiest come-on (I just shared this, too with another blogger) a drunk guy at the grocery store following me around..finally got the nerve up to talk to me and asked me if I was his sister. I had to ask him if he was that drunk or that stupid? He tried to change his story to – No..No…I meant don’t you know my sister..we could go out… (sick fucker)…

    Reply
    • Maybe the guy was from some place where dating your sister’s the normal thing??? Totally, yes – sick fucker says it all. Not a week goes by when I think, thank god I haven’t got a donger ruling my life!

      Reply
  6. “Would you like contact?” Wow. I’m with El Guapo, though, I’m a guy, just about any come on would be sexy. In my most desperate moments, maybe even from your esteemed Ms. Bishop.

    Reply
    • Well, that’s how the legend goes, but I find it hard to believe guys are that easy. Maybe that’s cause they’ve never been that easy for me – or maybe I haven’t dared to push the limits. When I told Ms M about it, she looked reflective, and wondered whether there are women who are that indiscriminately sexual, ie ‘I’m horny, how about it?’. We both haven’t met any, but then, being women, we wouldn’t.

      Reply
      • Yeah, I got angry at another blogger for writing a piece that was filled with the typical male-female sexual stereotypes, so maybe I should stop here. 🙂

      • Are you about to get angry with me? Thing is, I sort of FIT the stereotype, sadly. I get very horny, yes, but rarely for guys I’ve just met. And I am kind of picky. I don’t care if I end up with none – I don’t want to sleep with that boring guy with a six month pregnant look. That said, I have heard of women (met them, even) who ARE horny for guys they just met – they just are horny, and if the guys more or less fit the bill, they’re in. I have no objection to that, it’s just not me (now). Now. I used to be more of an open shop, however – back in my wild youth!

  7. “Wanna go down that alley?” “No. Goodnight.”
    True!

    Reply
    • You’d think a little sensitivity to the temperature of the water – and us only having just met – would have made him think twice. Makes me not wonder why he’s divorced. (why am I divorced? TOTALLY different story 🙂

      Reply
  8. Oh my! “Would you like contact?” Unbelievable! Run! Run fast! I am sooo not looking forward to leaping back into the dating pool! But really, the stories are so good!

    Reply
  9. “Would you like contact?” Rose, however did you resist? It’s so Romantic, so sexy, so…yeah, you’re right, repulsive!
    Last week a guy tried to hit on me while I was walking my dog. He asked if my dog was a male or female. When I said male he suddenly had a brother who had a female dog, so, could he get my number so’s the two dogs could get together?
    “Naw, sorry” says I, “my dog’s fixed.”
    “Too bad” he intones; then “Are-you-married-can-I-have-your-phone-number-can-we-get-together?”
    Out comes my invisible, but indispensable imaginary boyfriend. Pick up averted…Geez, at least you got a bike ride out of it! These guys just think they can pick a girl up whilst walking on the waterfront!

    Reply
  10. In College this woman who I knew in College. Who had a show on the local Public Access Channel. I got College credit working on shows produced at that station and of course her show. She was attractive, but close to my mother’s age. I also used to hang out with her ugly daughter (interesting to talk to but ugly as sin) and a mutual group of friends on occasion. Once her mother came over and hung out with her daughter and her friends. The woman said to me at some point that evening. That, “If you were my son, I would breast feed you until you were 25.” To say the least, the implied incestious relationship she was fantasizing about me, bearing in mind how unnatracitive I found her daughter. And how close in age she was too my parents. The weirdness factor had me so confused and disturbed, that no matter how horny I probably was it felt too weird to pursue. But I was very flattered then and I still am today.

    Reply
    • Bit of a yucky thing to say – not sure I’d like to breastfeed a 25 year old no matter how attractive! But, to each her own. i think any invitation to have sex is flattering. Even from the hobo on the street corner. It’s just that one doesn’t take most of them up.

      Reply

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