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And never EVER darken my doorstep again, you evil bitch!!!

Yes, tis the season for receiving long scorching letters of disgust and disapproval from disappointed suitors…am I the only one who gets these? Am I really the baddest ass in town?

I seem to do romantic disengagement really badly.  For instance, years ago, I told a guy I was dating/sleeping with that I didn’t see it going any further.  We were in bed at the time – not the best choice of venue – and he’d just given me a red rose to symbolise…whatever red roses symbolise.  But WHY, he asked.  Tell me, I really want to know! Well, after a while, I did – I didn’t find his body shape attractive.  He was nice about it.  He got out of bed and went home.  He slid into a state of serious depression which lasted about two years and nearly cost him his job. Nice work, evil bitch.

Then there was the mad guy I dated a couple of years back who was already planning our honeymoon after two meetings, and who got very annoyed indeed about having romantic phone conversations cut short by phrases such as ‘but now I have to go and cook dinner.’  That ended in an email so excoriating I had to put it behind a firewall for several weeks until it was safe to touch, and a threat that if ever he saw me again he couldn’t be responsible for the demonic fury which would then be unleashed.

And now, there is the letter tucked in my bottom drawer at work, of which so far I’ve only dared to read the first two sentences.  I’ve been dating this man for eight months, and so far we’ve held hands, kissed (with our mouths closed), and walked a few blocks clasping each other’s waists awkwardly.  Enter my beautiful river god, and I soon realised that this dalliance would have to end.  But I don’t know what got into me – instead of just sending a Dear John email, I had to accept the guy’s invitation to dinner and a movie, and then – sitting in his loungeroom clutching his specially bought fizzy grape drink – come out with ‘I’m sorry but I’ve met someone’.  The atmosphere turned in a second from cozy to icy.  And no wonder.  In the ensuing silence, I felt impelled to add that things had been going along rather slowly between us, and so, um, and so…Yeah, quite.  Anyway now I am the Hitler of interpersonal relationships, and serve me right.

It hurts.  I normally think of myself as a nice person.  But clearly, on these occasions, something goes badly wrong. I break rules, I behave with ill-considered callousness – to tell the truth, I get hopelessly embarrassed and then my limbic system takes over and woe betide!

Phew!  Clearly, there is a right way and a wrong way.  But what are they?  Come on, I need a crash course!!

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12 responses »

  1. Evil bitch indeed… No, no. I kid of course. And hey, sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

  2. I count on you to tell it how it is, Sean! Not only that, but when I attempted to tell my new boyfriend about this disheartening experience, HE got really angry with me too – for mentioning the Other Man, for one, and for focusing temporarily on the downside of this not-relationship, rather than on the upside of the relationship I have with him (a considerable upside, it has to be said).

  3. NormalDeviations

    There’s never a good way, really. It comes down to the diametric conflict of interest when Party A wants one thing and Party B wants the exact opposite – and relationships require two. So, being true to yourself and ‘best faith’ effort so you do what gives you the best long-term peace with yourself, eh. You can’t compel someone to agree with you or accept your needs when they don’t align with their own.

    And it’s a sign of their mettle if they accept forthright honesty and respect for what it says, rather than ongoing butt hurt because they didn’t get what they wanted.

    • Yeah…I actually think if I hadn’t been so embarrassed, I should have talked a bit more, about how I was sorry, and valued his conversation, and that kind of thing, and perhaps allowed him to talk back about how he felt. And the ‘date’ was a bad idea.

  4. In the end, hey, you’ve got to be you. that’s what attracted them in the first place, and it sounds like you send them off in memorable style.

    Maybe do it at the beginning of the meeting though?

    • If I had, I wouldn’t have got any dinner, I’m sure. But hey, I can make my own dinner. You’re right, I shouldn’t have done it after a date, though. It’s the equivalent of Legally Blonde’s boyfriend taking her out for dinner and then telling her he’s NOT going to marry her. BUT – 8 months, I ask you! I was starting to think, whatever’s in those pants is not going to be pretty!

  5. Lesson #1: If you’ve been dating someone for 8 months and you haven’t done the deed, well, there’s no “there” there!
    Lesson #2: These things suck, and are hard, and generally someone gets hurt. All you can do is try to be both truthful and kind.
    And, of course, enjoy the hell out of the river god!
    Honestly though, as hard as it was, I do think that telling someone in person is kinder than a dear John letter…especially after 8 months.

    • Yes, that was my thought (ie face to face). Thus the ‘date’. And I agree, if you haven’t done it, and nobody’s said anything about a ‘relationship’ or exclusivity, surely you can assume that both of you may be still dating others. I don’t think I was as kind as I should have been though. I tried – but I was overwhelmed with awkwardness, so all I really wanted was to change the subject or get out of there. Fear drives us to be klutzes at times!

  6. whiteladyinthehood

    Beautiful, you met the river god, so keeping the other relationship around was not helping either one of you be happy. I think it was hard to break up with him because your are honest and not mean at all. You had the courage to tell him how you felt and to do it face to face. (It probably would have been awkward no matter what got said)

  7. oh, I don’t know. I could’ve done it a lot better. But yeah, awkward with bells on! I do hate ‘hate’ letters! The River God is wonderful enough to make up for anything, though.

  8. You’re not evil, My Lexxi is evil. She worked for me, went to rehab for six months. during all that time she “loved” me wanted to be with me when she got released. I saw her twice the first month she was home. Finally caught something she posted on twitter and confronted her. She had another bf all the while, he gets out of the pen today as a matter of fact.

    • That’s very disappointing. Some people do like to lie and twotime. Maybe don’t date another convict, though – I don’t think it usually ends well, from what i hear.


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