WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SEXIST HUMOUR. DO NOT READ IF THAT KIND OF THING BOTHERS YOU, ALRIGHT?
Me and Darla, the Gypsy Temptress of Oh I Do Blather on a bit don’t I fame, have hatched an ingenious plan. We”re going to create the rules and regulations for our own little paradise – a women’s community, where men (and women, sorry Darla, because not ALL women are as nice as you) are only admitted by invitation and at our behest.
Yes, it’s a wee bit sexist…but at least WE’LL get a laugh out of it! Plus, we are currently trying to think of a suitable title for an award that we can palm off on other women bloggers we want to invite to paradise. Yes, YOU TOO can come to Harlot’s Heaven, Goddess Gate, The Land of Ladies, or perhaps the Royal Women’s Institute for the Training and Correction of the Other Lot…and make up your own Rules, if you want to! You can even bring your husband, as long as you keep him on a lead and pick up his little accidents (ok I said it was sexist, alright?).
Darla’s Version of Feminine Fantasia will be along shortly but here’s mine – just to prod her along! I dunno, she seems to spend so much time LIVING that she forgets about BLOGGING! Honestly!
So here goes!!!!
- Like men in the bedroom but not in the boardroom?
- Ever wished you could have a full set of tools for every emergency, instead of having to choose between a screwdriver and an allen key?
- Ever wanted to live in a society where YOU call the shots and he does the dishes?
- Ever wondered how much better life could be if only THEY did what they were told!
Welcome to Rose’s Fantasy Ranch, where men are men and there’s plenty to go around. And the best thing about it is, if MY fantasy’s not YOUR fantasy, that’s just fine – this place caters to EVERYBODY’s dreams. Register yours now (dream that is) and take that first step towards the fulfilment of all your secret sexist longings!
On Rose’s Ranch:
- There are at least three men for every woman. Those who don’t want that many can donate to other women who want more. Personally, I think five’s a good number.
- Variety is the key. We have the traditional beefcake, but we also have witty conversationalists, big brains, those happy sort of guys whose smile just cheers you up straight away, men who are just the dreamiest dancers, and men who fix stuff. Oh yeah, and FOREIGN men, with accents. Sorry, I just have a thing for them.
- You have to be forty or over to get in. Sorry girls, you’ve got enough on your hands already.
- Women sit at the head of the table. Men are allowed to throw their weight around only if it turns their partner on.
- The first Sunday of every month is Swap Meet. Nothing sleazy. One woman’s trash may be another woman’s treasure, you never know!
All the men are on the male contraceptive pill, which will be especially invented for the grand opening of the Ranch. The ranch is STD free, so the only reason to involve condoms is if they’re studded, ribbed or light up in the dark.
- At night, all public areas will be lit by either candelight or that soft pink light that makes you look about twenty years younger.
There are no gyms on Rose’s ranch. There is a lovely swimming spot though with a sandy beach. Nude bathing is just fine. So are those swimsuits that come down over your knees. Whatever.
- If you fall in love and want to stay with a guy forever, he has to pass an extensive examination by a jury of your peers on his suitability for a serious relationship. They will examine important things like whether he ever cooks you dinner, how much time he spends whingeing, and whether he’s ever looked up another woman’s skirt. If the jury blackballs him, you can still keep him, but he has to wear a red bowtie, which will make him look just a little bit stupid.
ps We like men really.