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Category Archives: Rose’s Rules

Rose answers non-existent readers’ questions about sex and relationships with non-existent examples from her own non-existent life.

Rose’s Ranch

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SEXIST HUMOUR. DO NOT READ IF THAT KIND OF THING BOTHERS YOU, ALRIGHT?

Me and Darla, the Gypsy Temptress of Oh I Do Blather on a bit don’t I fame, have hatched an ingenious plan. We”re going to create the rules and regulations for our own little paradise – a women’s community, where men (and women, sorry Darla, because not ALL women are as nice as you) are only admitted by invitation and at our behest.

Yes, it’s a wee bit sexist…but at least WE’LL get a laugh out of it!  Plus, we are currently trying to think of a suitable title for an award that we can palm off on other women bloggers we want to invite to paradise.  Yes, YOU TOO can come to Harlot’s Heaven, Goddess Gate, The Land of Ladies, or perhaps the Royal Women’s Institute for the Training and Correction of the Other Lot…and make up your own Rules, if you want to!  You can even bring your husband, as long as you keep him on a lead and pick up his little accidents (ok I said it was sexist, alright?).

Darla’s Version of Feminine Fantasia will be along shortly but here’s mine – just to prod her along! I dunno, she seems to spend so much time LIVING that she forgets about BLOGGING! Honestly!

So here goes!!!!
ROSE’S RANCH!

Out the back at Rose’s Ranch

DO YOU….

  • Like men in the bedroom but not in the boardroom?
  • Ever wished you could have a full set of tools for every emergency, instead of having to choose between a screwdriver and an allen key?
  • Ever wanted to live in a society where YOU call the shots and he does the dishes?
  • Ever wondered how much better life could be if only THEY did what they were told!

Welcome to Rose’s Fantasy Ranch, where men are men and there’s plenty to go around.  And the best thing about it is, if MY fantasy’s not YOUR fantasy, that’s just fine – this place caters to EVERYBODY’s dreams.  Register yours now (dream that is) and take that first step towards the fulfilment of all your secret sexist longings!

On Rose’s Ranch:

  • There are at least three men for every woman.  Those who don’t want that many can donate to other women who want more. Personally, I think five’s a good number.
  • Variety is the key.  We have the traditional beefcake, but we also have witty conversationalists, big brains, those happy sort of guys whose smile just cheers you up straight away, men who are just the dreamiest dancers, and men who fix stuff.  Oh yeah, and FOREIGN men, with accents.  Sorry, I just have a thing for them.
  • You have to be forty or over to get in. Sorry girls, you’ve got enough on your hands already.
  • Women sit at the head of the table. Men are allowed to throw their weight around only if it turns their partner on.
  • The first Sunday of every month is Swap Meet.  Nothing sleazy.  One woman’s trash may be another woman’s treasure, you never know!
    All the men are on the male contraceptive pill, which will be especially invented for the grand opening of the Ranch.  The ranch is STD free, so the only reason to involve condoms is if they’re studded, ribbed or light up in the dark.
  • At night, all public areas will be lit by either candelight or that soft pink light that makes you look about twenty years younger.
    There are no gyms on Rose’s ranch.  There is a lovely swimming spot though with a sandy beach.  Nude bathing is just fine.  So are those swimsuits that come down over your knees. Whatever.
  • If you fall in love and want to stay with a guy forever, he has to pass an extensive examination by a jury of your peers on his suitability for a serious relationship.  They will examine important things like whether he ever cooks you dinner, how much time he spends whingeing, and whether he’s ever looked up another woman’s skirt.  If the jury blackballs him, you can still keep him, but he has to wear a red bowtie, which will make him look just a little bit stupid.

ps We like men really.

The Get Stuffed School of Romance

I’m bringing my daughter up in what I like to call the ‘GET STUFFED‘ school of romance.  The theory goes like this.

  • Men are desperate for sex.
  • Women therefore don’t have to do anything in particular to attract them.

So my advice to Ms M is this – if anyone ever suggests you should do anything painful, boring or stupid so men will like you better, just say the magic words.  GET STUFFED.  (And I’m not referring to the sexual meaning of the term, here.)  If all the women in the world did this, men would just HAVE to fall into line.

“I’d want to have sex with you more if you painted your toenails.”

“Mmm…30 minutes sitting stock still with toes in separator, waiting for nail polish to dry, when could be out practising my karate kicks….GET STUFFED!

“Have you ever thought about getting a brazilian?”

“Let’s see…10 minutes of intense pain and embarrassment followed by redness, itching and the kind of stubble normally only seen on Brad Pitt, to be repeated at 3 weekly intervals, so I can look like an uncooked chicken fillet?…I’ll take that on notice.”

“Why don’t you pay attention to me when I’m trying to tell you about computer programming/my horrible ex-girlfriends/my 10,000 page trilogy about someone just like me who gets to dress up in a tight space suit and shoot plasma beams? If you’re not careful I’ll just go and find someone who will!”

“Mmm, that’s a hard one…..alright, off you go then.”

Three days later they’d all be back with aching balls and a much more cooperative attitude.

I didn’t write this by the way – this was Sexist Susie the Hairy-Lipped Man Hater from Hobart.  Thanks Susie!

How to fix a hole in the heart

The one you love makes a hole in your heart and fills it with a very specially shaped object. When you lose your love, you feel the emptiness, and you try to fill the hole with various other objects. But none of them fit, because that hole was specially drilled by your lover to fit HIS object (and no, not that one).

Worse, the more you try to fit the other wrong-shaped objects into the hole, the more the hole bleeds and opens up, rather than closing eventually like a normal wound.  So sometimes, you go back and get your ex-lover and try to put him in there again, where he was before. Everything all right now? NO. His shape has changed, and the hole has changed too, so even HE doesn’t fit any more.

So what you’ve gotta do is wait till that hole starts closing up on its own, like a wound growing a scab over it.  When that scab falls off, and you can feel the new skin underneath, THEN find someone who can drill a new hole, unique to them, and fill it perfectly.

And this is what you get.